The DIY Revolution


Human beings are a funny lot.

Throughout history, the one thing that we've truly excelled at, apart from searching for the perfect method of wiping ourselves out, is the knack of preventing ourselves from having a good time. If we can't drown something with disapproval, we'll murder it with myth. Just about every sexual practice perpetrated by the species has, at some stage or other, been the subject of a great deal of myth, superstition and taboo, mostly engineered, I suspect, by those who weren't getting any at the time.

Whatever the case may have been some of those vague, shifty-eyed little taboos have crept quietly through the ages to this day. It's hard to imagine in these enlightened times, but there's still a subject that a lot of people find very difficult to discuss: masturbation. I mean, unless you're all stoned off your conkers at three o'clock in the morning, or your partner's just discovered you cleaning the shower with your own cream cleanser, you just don't talk about it, do you? It's just NOT DONE.

I can hazard a guess why. In spite of all the latest research that labels playing gonad solitaire a harmless form of personal relaxation, there's still that undercurrent of....inadequacy about it, isn't there? The nagging feeling that if you need to stack your own deck it's because you aren't capable of finding an alternative. Or the even more excruciating idea that, even if YOU don't feel that way about it, then your mates WILL!

Oh, give me a break! To put it VERY basically everybody does it whether they admit to it or not. Oh sure, some of them check the palms of their hands as part of their shaving routine and others are keeping their optometrists rich, but it doesn't stop them.

D.I.Y. rules! And here's some good reasons why:

  1. You don't need to look your best.
  2. There's no arguments about condoms.
  3. You don't have to dispose of the condom afterwards.
  4. You're fully aware of your partner's sexual history.
  5. You already know whether you'll be respected in the morning.
  6. No-one feels the need to ask, "Did you come?"
  7. No-one rolls over and goes to sleep before you finish.
  8. No-one whines if YOU roll over and go to sleep.
  9. No-one has to go home afterwards.
  10. No-one snores, or complains if you do.
  11. No-one is staggering around at 3 a.m. looking for the bathroom.
  12. You don't have to worry about crying out the wrong name.
  13. No-one gets squeamish if you've got your period.
  14. The covers don't get stolen.
  15. It doesn't matter if you're wearing your grottiest underwear.
  16. You don't have to look at anyone else's grotty underwear.
  17. You can't catch anything you haven't already got.
  18. No-one says "I'll call you" and doesn't.
  19. No-one cares if you fart in bed.
  20. You don't have any love bites to explain the next day.
    and finally:
  21. You don't have to sleep in anyone's bloody waterbed!

So there you have it, gang. Masturbation is one of the most simple, easy and above all SAFE ways to get your rocks off ever invented. It's cheap, convenient and satisfaction is guaranteed. If only all things in life could say the same!

Cheers 'til next month,